Give a wedding speech they'll remember (and not because you upstaged them)
Speaking at a wedding is the only bit of public speaking some people ever do. Which is why it’s so terrifying
Like the hot weather in the UK, wedding season seems to have come a bit late this year.
In the last couple of weeks, I've been coaching, among others, an old client and friend on delivering a best man's speech, and a new client who's got his father-of-the-bride speech coming up soon.
This is one of the most common reasons for people to seek out a public speaking coach - a wedding is a big occasion, and unless they happen to be perfectly at home getting up in front of 50 to 200 people and making them laugh/cry/emote in unison... this is probably the only time most people will stand up to speak in public.
Which is why it's such a nerve-wracking prospect. Or 'terrifying' is the word I often hear...
So what can you do to make it not-terrifying? Here's my favourite thoughts or tips about how to survive the big speech on the big day - not just survive it, but make it one of the things that the happy couple look back on and think, 'that made a special day even more special':
WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?
There are loads of websites that offer advice and even suggest jokes you can use if you're stuck for material...
As I often say to my clients - you know what you're talking about.
I think you are the ultimate authority when it comes to what you actually put in and what you leave out. You know the happy couple well, you know your audience well - trust yourself about what will work, and what won't.
Having said that, here would be my main tips about content:
Not too long! I've been a best man once. I gave my speech. It felt like 15 minutes. I was told afterwards it was closer to half an hour!
The bride & groom were (still are) terribly nice about it, but this is too long. When you rehearse out loud (and you MUST rehearse it!) time it. It should be no longer than 10 minutes. Then add on 5 minutes for the inevitable laughs and rounds of applause.
If you're the best man, don't just talk about the groom. Say nice things about the bride. If you're the father of the bride: say nice things about the groom. Maids-of-honour and mothers don't seem to need reminding about saying nice things about both newlyweds. I wonder why this is??
Not too many in-jokes because most people won't get them. Remember it's a broad audience so you need something that various people can get or relate to.
Don't just do embarrassing anecdotes, or obscure ones: do ones that are fairly common knowledge. It makes more people feel included.
Try to have a narrative or theme running through it. You could put in a couple of 'callbacks': later references to a joke or event that you brought up early in the speech. Standup comedians do this all the time. The father-of-the-bride I'm working with mentions early on his daughter's favourite childhood cuddly toy. Then near the end, in his tribute to the groom, he says 'we're delighted that Henry [groom] has managed to displace Jellyphant in Alison's affections'. Guaranteed to get a laugh and a eyeroll from the bride!
Then when it comes to thinking about the delivery...
USING NOTES? I would recommend don't use notes. I dare you! Cue cards - maybe, if you're worried you'll forget your best gags, or lose your thread and start to waffle. But speaking aloud scripted lines, word for word, and making them sound like fresh, lively speaking - this is what actors do. When you write the speech, you can imagine how it sounds in your head: so when you come to deliver it out loud, you'll be trying to recreate that performance that exists in your head. You don't have to be an good actor to deliver a good speech. It's better to have a clear IDEA of what you want to say, the stories you want to tell, and then just tell them in your own freshly-minted words - just like if you were telling a funny story at the dinner table or in the pub. It'll sound better and make you feel less like a robot.
Practise on camera: film yourself. I use video in most of my coaching sessions. It helps to put you the speaker temporarily in the role of audience member. You can then correct anything that doesn't work, but you didn't notice when it was you speaking, not listening and watching.
Then a few practicalities - they really do matter!!
Timings: ask the wedding planner exactly when you're due to deliver. It will reduce your nerves if you know exactly when you're supposed to get up.
On the day, take time to make sure you know what the conditions will be. Is there a mic? is there a backup mic? Who do you talk to about mics? Does the mic have a cord, or is it wireless? Where will you be sitting? Will you have room to move around?
If possible, it's good to move around a bit and engage with different bits of the room. It will help you to stay physically loose if you don't have to stand stock still.
Get at least a vague idea of where the various groups are sitting. Make a mental note of where people are sitting so you can pick individuals out during bits relevant to them.
Finally - most importantly - remember why you were asked to speak.
Remember why, even if the happy couple know you hate public speaking, you've been asked to be the best man/woman, to do the father-or-mother-of speech. Not just tradition. You're giving this speech because they love you and the day will not be as special as it could be unless they, and all the family and friends, hear from you.
You know the couple really well, you love them, and they trust you to make it a special moment for them.
They're right to trust you, right...? You're not going to bring up that time you walked in on them having intimate relations... are you??
If you've got a speech coming up, get in touch and let's see if I can help.
If you've recently done one, tell me how it went!